101 Songs You Shouldn’t Sing on TV
Impress your friends, acquaintances and innocent bystanders with trashed hits in nearly every musical genre. You’ll be instantly popular at parties, karaoke clubs, Bar Mitzvahs and biker bars. Your children’s friends (over 21) will idolize you! Now you can sing along to previously inviolable classics with new, perhaps even improved lyrics! Such as:
Moustache Sally, (sung to the tune of Mustang Sally)
Just a Skanky Ho, (Just a Gigolo)
Coochie Fire, (Ring of Fire)
Under The Boardwalk Blues, (Under The Boardwalk)
I’m So Fired, (I’m So Tired)
Good Vibrators, (Good Vibrations)
Good Morning Hardon, (Good Morning Heartache)
Plaid Booger, (Brown Sugar)
You’re So Strange, (People Are Strange)
Funny Cigarettes, (Benny and the Jets)
You’re Such a Reject, (You Can Do Magic)
With YouTube or VodPod links provided to the working soundtracks, you can perfect your delivery at home.* Try memorizing a few to pull out at special events. Born To A Rabbi (sung to Born Under a Bad Sign) could come in handy at the next bris!
*(Internet connection required, and an electronic device with a browser. Browser not included. If solar powered, sun not included.)
Even if you’re naturally retentive, you’ll have no problem wowing the audience by putting slyly embedded “[prompts]” to good use, such as: [get jiggy with 33 second air guitar solo], or [play vibrating comb for 14 seconds].
Included with some selections are “FUN FACTS,” such as: Did you know there’s a vibrator that will pulse to the music of your iPod? What woman wouldn’t want Good Vibrators on her pod? Think: Valentine’s Day.
We’re talking roughly six hours of raw amusement for some of the whole family!
Get ready to light your Bics and sway to your own sultry tones with: Hazy. Patsy Cline’s Crazy takes on a “ho” new meaning.
Think your favorite TV theme songs are safe? Think again! Top Cat gets a makeover and we re-visit Cheers, “…where everybody knows you’re Gay.”
Can you live without this book?*
Rx rated, 101 Songs You Shouldn’t Sing on TV is your prescription for meeting new strangers. “Karaoke” it with you wherever you go! Thanks to our nearly patented and practically unique “Star Rating System,” you’ll know how drunk you can be before making a stuttering fool of yourself with an ambitious song.
Standards Guarantee: Each song has practically meticulously undergone rigorous quality control standards in order to ensure the lyricist’s interpretation is phonetically feasible according to a relatively standard standard which doesn’t include, or exclude, people who should also be considered mostly standard under predominantly normal conditions.
You can’t hardly go wrong, with 101 Songs!
Ladies, want to drop some hints that you’re available? Try singing I’m Randy (to the tune of Black Oak Arkansas’ Jim Dandy) at the next company party.
Speaking of holiday songs, are you bored with the same old Christmas carols? Well, guess what mommy’s kissing now!
Don’t want to sing alone? Try our Duets!
Stink when you try to sing Aretha’s Think? Stink again! Our version, Drink, has been modified to fit an everyday, ordinary, non-Queen-of-soul person’s cadence. Perfect for Grandpa!*
*(May require extra Polident®)
Ever wonder what the real words to Benny and the Jets are? So do we!
Nearly 600 pages of original rip-offs!*
*(Actual count less than 250.)
Girls, does your boyfriend embarrass you sometimes in public? Now you can get back at him on karaoke night, say, the next time you’re on a cruise, with a heartfelt rendition of You’ve Been… Masturbating (sung to You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling). (Gotcha covered, men. Reply with a “rousing” rendition of Don’t Get Enough Head, sung to Going Out of My Head. Little Anthony would be proud, perhaps.)
Is your singing voice kara-yucky? Ever been told you should sing solo (“solo” no one can hear you)? Has someone suggested you sing tenor (“tenor” eleven miles away)? Have you been invited to do a duet (if you “duet” in another county)? Has someone said you should have an “aria” all to yourself (soundproof)? Does this paragraph have any discernible point? Indeed, because…
Get a stiff one ready for eleven included BONUS TRACKS. Killer, smash-hit instrumentals for an all-new, untried, unwarranted karaoke format—the Hum-along! Had your jaw wired recently? No problemo!
Caution: Random and provoked commentary/dissertation/nonsense ahead.*
As if that weren’t enough, check out the optional prose!** That’s right, actual writing is contained within these shallowed pages. Shakespeare was referred to, just to give you an idea of how lofty this mini-opus can get. Totally random, often provoked, and usually unrelated to the song to which it is attached, with dizzying discourses, sassy essays, disconcerting dissertations, a bit of soft erotica… and the like… this writing ventures into places perhaps no one should have gone. Find out what coup de plume*** means.
*(All of which you can completely ignore.)
**(That’s “prose,” not Pros. Hookers not included.)
***(Look it up.)
Proudly display 101 Songs… in your library* as either a song book, or a quirky piece of poetic literature. (It’s like one of those reversible jackets they made in the ’70s, only this will fit better on your bookshelf.) Let your friends discover how unique, even exotic, you are!
*(Keep out of reach of children under 21.)
Copyright © 2013 Mitchell Geller